just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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