just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
