It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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