i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Bring me that man meat
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
