He asked me if I "almost moaned"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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