Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wear drunk well.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
