It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
