woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
