I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
