I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
