Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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