those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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