I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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