DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
