I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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