Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
