just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
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I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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