how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i think i scared a bird with my dick
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
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