i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
