you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
