Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i would one night stand the shit outta him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
