I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
