My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
