kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
