had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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