she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this will be a night to untag.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
