shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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