I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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