ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
