So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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