Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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