Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
