Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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