you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
