There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
