Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
