Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
