My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize
