Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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