I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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