God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
