nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
