I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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