So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
