this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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