He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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