Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
