his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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