I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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