Will you blow on my dice?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
