Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
