the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
