Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
