just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We need a shit load of segways right now
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
