My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
