Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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