apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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