I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
