You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
