seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
