I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
