I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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