it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
