Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
