I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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