don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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